Fear.

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now.  But I always hesitated.  I don't have much to say about it... due to the fact that I am in the midst of it.

I never really have been a fearful individual.  I have always been an either adventurous girl, or a cautious one, depending on the season of life... but not fearful... at least not how I have been experiencing fear lately.

When Shiloh was born and little I remember having a few anxious moments where fear gripped me.  Becoming a Mommy tested my faith.  It made me responsible for another delicate life, but I wasn't always able to control things that happened to her... I had to experience faith in new ways.

But when Capri was born, the anxiety and fear tripled.  Okay, maybe it doubled, then tripled, and then multiplied by 10... then lets be honest, then by 100.

I have a hard time putting it into words.  But I felt like I was holding a stack of balancing wine glasses that could topple over and spill at the slightest mistake and then crash to the ground and shatter.  But those wine glasses were my children.  I feared their safety. I feared their health.  I feared for their lives.

I am daily working through this fear thing.  Having to stop when it hits, take deep breaths, pray and praise Jesus, and then collect myself and move forward.  I haven't conquered it.  I don't know when I will.  But I know its growing me and testing me.  Its testing my faith and trust to relinquish control and place my children in God's hands.

"In you, Lord my God, I put my trust."

~Psalm 25:1